Mavo! That means how are you in my native tongue of Urhobo. It’s not as common as Yoruba, but I digress. This week I decided to travel to Africa and see how my countrymen have progressed. I can say with great satisfaction that, “Ninja we made it!” Gone are the days of the village huts and local Juju men that I grew up watching. Now we’re living in mini-mansions and throwing bubbly in each other’s faces. This week’s movie up for review is the NollyWood melodrama, Split.

Set in a major city in Africa, a family fraught with internal problems prepares to welcome their newest addition, Cece, Benjamin’s fiance, to the family all on the eve of a major election. Now let’s take roll. Robert: scum-of-the-earth, cowardly, wife-beating scoundrel. Present! Davina: drunk, broken-and-beaten-down victim of many years. Present! Tom: slight Oedipus complex?, but loves his mother dearly. Present! Benjamin: confused, selfish, jackass of a son. Present! Cece: brave-than-me, gaslighting?, better-come-correct-queen, but I-can’t-trust-you. Present! Ebuka: you-a-triflin’-ass-ninja-for-using-Joyce. Present! Joyce: gorgeous, but-ain’t-got- no-self-worth, don’t-need-a-man-til-you-fix-it. Present! Rita: hate to say it, but stupid floozy. Rashida & Okon: casualties-of-war, better duck! Present! Now that everyone is accounted for, the class is in session.

As an African, respect for elders is beaten into you by fire by force, so this movie was a hard watch. My booty cheeks were clenching, teeth were grinding every time I saw Benjamin or Robert. They both deserved a dirty slap. Lord, forgive me, but I was fuming. The way Benjamin talked to his mother, my dude must’ve lost his mind. Or the way Robert abused Davina in front Tom. It’s pretty shitty that parents can do you dirty, but because you were raised right you can’t curse or attack them. So, when Benjamin’s life began to fall apart I gave no fucks. Excuse my English.

Frankly, I don’t care whatever mission Cece was on. I would have run for the hills at the first sign of trouble. These days peace is so precious to me, I don’t care who you are. Deuces.

Benjamin is a selfish fool. Look in the dictionary and you’ll see his face. I can’t fault Benny Boy entirely for being a fool, when all you hear is lies from a snake like Robert what can you do? But even then this is your own mother being beaten daily. We’re never told definitively why he hates her, but he does. If she was such a horrible person, why didn’t Tom share in his rancor? My guess is the father was constantly in his ear slinging untruths. Even after the truth of his origins came out, the worthless rat was only concerned about himself. Ne’er a word of apology or sympathy was spoken to his mother. The penniless brat was probably still looking down on his real father as ‘the help.’

Now let’s look at his interactions with his fiance. Robert had this fool so tightly wound around his finger that when it came time to choose between Rita and Cece, this fool went on a date that cheap floozy, Rita. What level of people-pleasing, self-hatred is this?
In typical African man (or any useless man)fashion, he played both sides and refused to take accountability. It took Sis getting kidnapped for him to grow a pair.

Side note: I chuckled when Benny Boy said we should call the police, again not to say all police or authority figures are corrupt, but songs have been written about how trifling they are. My thoughts were: weren’t the police in Robert’s back pocket? He held enough significance to be considered for the Senate. Maybe after the party dropped him, the police dropped him too, but money is money, right?

My favorite character was the mother. The actress, Shaffy Bello, ate and left no crumbs. She carried the cast with that top-tier performance. I think had she been more selfish, particularly when dealing with Benjamin, the ingrate, she would have been ‘that girl.’ Sidenote: does anyone else see the resemblance between her and Eartha Kitt or am I the only one?

Growing up in a Nigerian household, I was quickly baptized into the shenanigans of African men (and women). The never-ending game of chess is exhausting. So as someone who limits their dealings with other Africans to almost nill, this is shocking even to me, but I don’t like how they portray African men- I know, shocking right? There must be a snowstorm blazing in hell. But as I’m growing, I’ve learned to treat people case by case, and in so doing I’ve come across some strange unicorns out in the wild.

I found that SOME of these men and women are the most genuine human beings, who have problems like me and are just trying to make it, out there. For the longest time, the perception was that all Africans were poor, backward people living in the jungle in grass huts, wearing loin cloths and running around calling each other kunta, Kunta Kinte (Thanks Roots). But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure Africa may not be as developed as the rest of the world, but rest assured she is on her way. I say this to say that this film is a ridiculous drama, but for the causal: perception is reality.

Anypoops, I give it a 3 out of 5.