Mavo!

That means “How are you?” in my native tongue, Urhobo. It’s not as common as Yoruba, but I digress.

This week, I decided to travel to Africa and see how my countrymen have progressed.

I can say with great satisfaction:

“Ninja, we made it!”

Gone are the days of village huts and local juju men that I grew up watching on television.

Now we’re living in mini-mansions and throwing bubbly in each other’s faces.

This week’s movie up for review is the Nollywood melodrama Split.

Set in a major African city, a family fraught with internal problems prepares to welcome its newest addition, Cece, Benjamin’s fiancée, all on the eve of a major election.

Now let’s take roll.

Robert: scum-of-the-earth, cowardly, wife-beating scoundrel. Present!

Davina: drunk, broken-down victim of many years. Present!

Tom: slight Oedipus complex? But loves his mother dearly. Present!

Benjamin: confused, selfish jackass of a son. Present!

Cece: braver-than-me, gaslighting?, better-come-correct queen, but I-can’t-trust-you. Present!

Ebuka: you-a-trifling-ass-ninja-for-using-Joyce. Present!

Joyce: gorgeous, but-ain’t-got-no-self-respect, don’t-need-a-man-until-you-fix-it. Present!

Rita: sorry to say it, but stupid floozy. Present!

Rashida and Okon: casualties of war. Better duck! Present!

Now that everyone is accounted for, class is in session.

As an African, respect for elders is beaten into you by fire and by force, so this movie was a hard watch.

My booty cheeks were clenching and my teeth were grinding every time I saw Benjamin or Robert.

They both deserved a dirty slap.

Lord, forgive me, but I was fuming.

The way Benjamin talked to his mother? My dude must’ve lost his mind.

Or the way Robert abused Davina in front of Tom.

It’s pretty shitty that parents can do you dirty, but because you were raised right, you can’t curse them out or attack them.

So when Benjamin’s life began to fall apart, I gave no fucks.

Excuse my English.

Frankly, I don’t care what mission Cece was on.

I would’ve run for the hills at the first sign of trouble.

These days, peace is so precious to me that I don’t care who you are.

Deuces.

Benjamin is a selfish fool.

Look in the dictionary and you’ll see his face.

I can’t fault Benny Boy entirely for being a fool. When all you hear are lies from a snake like Robert, what can you do?

But even then, this is your own mother being beaten daily.

We’re never told definitively why he hates her, but he does.

If she was such a horrible person, why didn’t Tom share in his resentment?

My guess is that Robert spent years whispering poison in his ear.

Even after the truth of his origins came out, the worthless rat was only concerned about himself.

Not a single word of apology or sympathy was offered to his mother.

This penniless brat was probably still looking down on his real father as “the help.”

Now let’s look at his interactions with his fiancée.

Robert had this fool so tightly wound around his finger that when it came time to choose between Rita and Cece, this fool went on a date.

What level of people-pleasing, self-hatred is this?

In typical useless-man fashion, he played both sides and refused to take accountability.

It took Sis getting kidnapped for him to finally grow a pair.

Side Note

I chuckled when Benny Boy suggested calling the police.

Again, not to say all police officers or authority figures are corrupt, but songs have been written about how trifling they can be.

My immediate thought was:

“Aren’t the police already in Robert’s back pocket?”

The man had enough influence to be considered for the Senate.

Maybe after the party dropped him, the police dropped him too.

But money is money, right?

My favorite character was the mother.

The actress, Shaffy Bello, ate and left no crumbs.

She carried the cast with that top-tier performance.

Though I think that if she’d been a little more selfish, particularly when dealing with Benjamin, she would’ve been that girl.

Sidenote: does anyone else see the resemblance between her and Eartha Kitt, or am I the only one?

Growing up in a Nigerian household, I was quickly baptized into the shenanigans African men—and women—play.

The never-ending game of chess is exhausting.

So, as someone who limits their dealings with other Africans to almost nil, this is shocking even to me, but I don’t like how African men are portrayed in films like this.

I know.

Shocking, right?

There must be a snowstorm blazing in hell.

But as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to treat people on a case-by-case basis.

And in doing so, I’ve come across some strange unicorns out in the wild—genuine human beings who have problems like me and are simply trying to make it through life.

For the longest time, the perception was that all Africans were poor, backward people living in the jungle in grass huts, wearing loincloths, and running around calling each other Kunta Kinte.

Thanks, Roots.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sure, Africa may not be as developed as some parts of the world, but rest assured, she is on her way.

I say all this to say that Split is a ridiculous drama.

But for the casual viewer, perception is reality.

Anypoops, I give it 3 out of 5 rose petals.